The last few months have been extremely difficult in our family (evidenced by how infrequently I’ve been posting here). At least one person has been sick, if not the whole family, straight since mid-November. We finally thought we were all over it a couple weeks ago, until this morning, when we all woke up with full-blown head colds… again. The last few months have also had my husband pretty busy at his job(s) and back in school, have had me busy with extra choreographic work, and have had us both heavily invested with the 20-somethings Bible study we lead.When you throw the holidays into the mix… wow. So yes. Very. Hard. Stretch.
Did you ever have a “DTR” when you were dating? A “Define The Relationship” talk? Haha. Oh those were fun. I thought DTRs would stop once I was married. As it turns out, they don’t. In fact, they actually occur more often! And then when you have kids, well there’s another relationship that needs defining. And then another… and then… well you get it. My husband and I have had our share of these so-called DTRs over the past couple months. We have found ourselves continually and unexpectedly divided. He’s going one way and I’m going the other and if you do that for too long you lose sight of the other person’s perspective, and well, it’s a downward spiral. You know what I’m talking about, right?
It’s not just our marriage that’s been taking hits, though. Our relationships with our kids have seen stress as well. Less patience. Less grace. Less get-down-on-the-floor-and-play. Less it’s-ok-it-was-an-accident. Less teaching. Less kindness. More frustration. More outbursts. More time in the time-out chair. (That would be my time-out chair.) Again, you know what I’m talking about?
The past few months haven’t been all bad, though. We have been making choices in our family. Intentional choices. To walk in the ways that God has for us. There are God-guided transitions that we’re trying to step carefully through. There are lives, broken, that the Lord has brought to us to disciple. There is purging. Serious purging of all the extra stuff in our house. All the things that are just taking up space and not of any use and at the end of the day are simply distractions that keep us from seeing God more clearly. The purging is happening across the board in our home, as we have been trying to rid our little suburban family life of any thing or attitude or investment that is not of the Kingdom.
Whenever we take a step toward uniting ourselves with God in Christ, and uniting ourselves with the Body around us, we will be at risk of stumbling over division lurking. Division follows quick at the heels of unity. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that our family has come under the influence of division during a time when we’re especially focused on taking every step intentionally for the glory of the Lord.
We battle against a real enemy. He is a thief, a murderer, and a destroyer. And his goal is to separate us from our Body of support so that he can easily devour.
“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”
1 Peter 5:8
Praying against division in our families is monumentally important. If we want to grow a family that has God’s heart beating at the center, we need to be prepared for opposition.
“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm…. praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.”
Ephesians 6:12-13, 18
Things like strep throat, long hours at work, and even ministry obligations can be extremely stressful and extremely distracting. Prayer brings our awareness back to the reality of the opposition, and it opens our eyes to the people in front of us, the people closest to us, and the fact that they are not usually the problem.
“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?”
James 4:1
Prayer also motivates action; most importantly, the act of forgiveness. It is a difficult thing indeed to lay ourselves prostrate before the Lord, humbling ourselves before God our Creator in prayer, and still hold the shortcomings of another person over his or her head. When we really humble ourselves before the Lord, we cannot escape the fact that we have been forgiven everything.
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:32
Repentance and forgiveness are two of the greatest tools we have in the fight against division. In our marriage, when we have one of those DTRs, and can get to the end saying, “Yes, I hear you, and I’m so sorry for the ways I’ve been hurting you,” it’s like a waterfall of relief over our heads. And we are reminded that we have an enemy trying to divide us, and we have a flesh that is misguided, and we really are on the same team in this messy life.
We have to meet division head on. As a family trying to unite each member under the headship of Christ, division will seek us out. We cannot ignore it. We cannot wish it away.
We must pray.
We must forgive.
We must remain humble before our Father. Abba, who loves us, and desires to give us fullness of life.
And we will see unity once again.
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